15th and 16th of January 2018

15th January

Didn’t really do I too much today.  Forgot to write that last night Marketa and I were double teaming it on our respective electronic devices to get me booked and organised to get to Anne’s funeral on the 26th.

Logistically speaking - it’s not the straightest of forwards!  It’s a work day, so train from Hradec Kralove to Prague Main Station, then the airport bus to the airport.  Direct flight with Czech Air to Stockholm. Flybussarna (Airport bus) to Stockholm Central. Train one stop, then change to the Slussen line out to Saltsjöbaden.  Can walk to the hotel from there.  Alternately, if I’m feeling unsure or if the weather is particularly shitty, I may take a taxi.

I can walk to the service which is handy.  All planned and booked.  Need to go shopping though - Jeans are entirely inappropriate for a service.

I really hope that the service does act as a sort of ‘beginning of the closure process’.  I keep waking up in the middle of the night and remembering all over again that Anne is gone. Or thinking “I need to remember this, for my next phone message to Anne (she was too sick to speak on the phone very often, but her answering machine had 10 minutes of record time per message, so I would phone regularly with updates and ramble on to try to entertain her and keep her up to date with all the latest family news and what was going on etc), and then realising that I can’t do that.

Anne’s been my little sister and my sounding board on so much for so long, and we’ve always considered ourselves sisters.  Anne was the oldest of her biological sisters, so I think she liked being a little sister for a change....  I honestly feel like someone has ripped out my heart and stomped on it and shoved it back in, all damaged and expects it to work like it did before.  Intellectually I know Anne is better off and finally out of pain....emotionally I am selfish and just want my sister back.  Maybe the service will be that catalyst to start accepting the new reality.  I hope so, because I don’t want to feel like this forever.  I want to remember Anne and be happy and remember all the good times without the fact that she’s gone overwhelming me because knowing Anne, she would hate that and if I wallow I will feel like I’ve failed her.  And I want to honour her life and live mine the best I can since she didn’t get to.

Sorry - bit of a depressing post this one, hopefully the new reality will settle soon.  I will think of the good and smile and not break down.  Time brings acceptance, I know. Maybe it’s too much free time at the moment...

16th January

Snow!  The world is white again.

Had a lazy morning watching the snow fall - it was pretty constant all morning, and then we went out to the local Mrs Fat Bastards shop and found an outfit for Anne’s service.  It will do for work afterwards, and it’s a big relief to have found something.  However, I’m happy to report that as of today, I have lost 6kgs while on holidays.  Being able to move and do stuff and not eating shit food really works - who’d a thunkit?!